I've been in denial.

(Which... denial (noun) - An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. Yeeeeep.)

I can't quite put a finger on when it started, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Each day feels like I'm slogging through quicksand to get through. My normal self-care has been parsed down to the bare minimum. I'm having a difficult time navigating any kind of emotional labor - for myself and others. I simply feel like I will never get caught up.

I am burnt out. Crispy. Charred. And I MUST do something about it.

I'm feeling vulnerable writing about this, but my hope is that it will create some accountability and compassion for myself, and who knows... maybe it will help someone else.

I've felt this way for quite a while (dare I say years?) and I'm having a hard time knowing where to start. Alas, one small step at a time. I'm trying to be diligent to not judge myself for how small the step may seem or over-explaining my needs to people. If it seems like something will help, I'm going to give 'er a go.

• For the next week, I am not adding anything to my schedule that hasn't already been planned. I will say "no".

• Asking for help when needed.

• I am going to put my favorite self-care items on display to remind myself to use them - skincare, shoulder massage dealy-bob, my favorite water glass, making sure my most comfortable clothes are clean.

• When I feel frozen or stuck, I will refer to my "smol things" list: drink water, stand up, stretch, write, go outside, breathe, etc. instead of feeling bad for not being "productive".

• I want to do 1 unit* of physical activity a day. (*1 unit being whatever I can handle in the moment... no shame!)

• I've shared with my friends these intentions in hopes of some encouragement, understanding, and grace.

I'm finally trusting myself - what my body and spirit have been trying to have me notice - that I need to slow down. My intentions feel do-able and I am feeling a lot of compassion for myself.

I'll continue my updates here as they happen.